Total pages in book: 82
Estimated words: 77918 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 390(@200wpm)___ 312(@250wpm)___ 260(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 77918 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 390(@200wpm)___ 312(@250wpm)___ 260(@300wpm)
Would he hate me? Would I lose the only family I had left?
“Uncle Brian—”
“It’s getting late. You should probably head on out. Bring Jasper with you next time, okay?” I took a drag of my cigarette and stood.
The questions were there. Wordlessly, I pleaded with him not to ask, hoped he knew I couldn’t do this with him.
“I will,” he replied. “And thank you…for everything.”
Would he thank me if he knew I’d never stopped loving her? That I’d hurt her?
“That’s what family is for. I gotta take care of somethin’,” I lied. “You can see your way out.”
I went to my room, closing the door behind me.
“So…we have this new woman at work. She’s beautiful and kind, quiet like you, and—”
“Not interested,” I told Nadine. This wasn’t the first time she’d brought up something like this, and I knew it wouldn’t be the last. It was hell when the only person you’d ever loved didn’t know it and kept trying to introduce you to other people.
“Brian! Why not? You can’t be alone forever.”
“I’m pretty sure I can,” I replied. She gave me a cute little scowl, and I looked away. Sometimes it hurt to set eyes on her. “How are the kids?”
“Phil took Sutton and Jasper fishing, and Libby’s taking a dance class. I’m not letting you change the subject. You need to find someone. I hate seeing you by yourself. There’s no reason you shouldn’t be hitched already. You’re handsome and have the biggest heart of any man I know.”
“Leave it alone, please.” I headed outside, but Nadine was right on my heels. She was in a mood today, and there was no stopping her when she got like this.
“Are you gay? You know I wouldn’t care. Phil neither. We—”
“What? No!” Jesus, why was she so obsessed with this today?
I sat down in one of the chairs outside, and she joined me. It was a perfect day, a little too humid, but it was only seventy-five with a cloudless sky. The air around me smelled and felt like home…and she did too.
“You rarely date, and you don’t talk about women or men. There are never rumors about you with anyone. I just…” She reached over and put her hand on my thigh. “I love you, Bri. You’re my best friend in the whole world. You should be happier. You should enjoy your life more. Hell, even if it’s just sex.”
But what if I’m not built that way? I wanted to ask. What if I was broken and couldn’t even enjoy fucking?
“Do you…do you do that?” she continued. “Have sex with people?”
My gut twisted. “Why are you bringin’ this up?”
“Because if I don’t, you never will, and I don’t want you to be alone your whole life. I want you to fall in love and—”
“I am in love!” I shouted, shoving to my feet. My brain told me to stop, to close my mouth and walk away, but now that the words were out, I couldn’t seem to stop them. “I’ve been in love with you since the first time I saw you, Nadine. Come on, you have to realize that. I don’t know how not to love you—believe me, I’ve tried, and as shitty a person as it makes me, if you told me right now you love me too, I’d wanna be with you, consequences be damned.”
The second the words were out of my mouth, I wanted them back. A sharp pain pierced my chest as Nadine looked at me, her eyes filled with tears. My legs nearly gave out, my heart thumping, my breathing trying to get away from me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I shouldn’t have…”
“I didn’t know,” she said quietly.
I shrugged. She was lying to me or lying to herself. No way she couldn’t have seen. “Come on, Nadine. You had to know.”
“So it’s my fault? That you’re alone?”
“That’s not what I’m sayin’.” At least, it wasn’t what I meant to say. “It’s me. I’m the one who can’t get over it. I’ve been hating myself for it for years, but I can’t stop lovin’ you.”
“You’re in love with me,” she repeated, her voice soft, confused. “Why did you tell me? Oh God, Brian. Why did you tell me that? It’s going to ruin everything!”
She was on her feet now, pacing in front of me. She ran her hand through her hair, her face scrunched in pain.
“I’m sorry. Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” I went to her, wrapped her in my arms, and for a moment, she melted into them, held me and let me hold her before her body tensed and she jerked away.
“I can’t… How… Oh God. I’m married to Phil. I’m in love with Phil.”
“I know.”
“We have kids—your niece and nephew!”
“You don’t think I know that? You don’t think I hate myself for it every fucking day? It’s killin’ me.”