Total pages in book: 104
Estimated words: 98612 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 493(@200wpm)___ 394(@250wpm)___ 329(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 98612 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 493(@200wpm)___ 394(@250wpm)___ 329(@300wpm)
Some of the wives and Lainey are sitting in a circle in an area that’s been cordoned off with an extensive series of adjustable baby gates and fences meant to corral the toddlers and infants who are too young to go wandering around the house. It’s a friendly version of baby prison.
The older ones, who are less at risk of falling down stairs or putting dangerous objects in their mouths, are in the backyard with Alex and Miller—playing hockey, of course.
Lainey’s mom is in the kitchen ordering around Lance and Randy, who are currently wearing aprons and seem either too scared or too bewildered to do anything but follow her directions. I see where Lainey gets her kitchen bossiness from.
Violet is standing just outside the cordoned-off area where the infants are, talking animatedly to Simon and the wives. That could be a good or a bad thing, since pretty much whatever Violet’s thinking comes out of her mouth unfiltered.
Kody has learned how to roll over, but only in one direction, so he barrel-rolls across the floor until he bumps into the barrier of the gate by Violet’s and Simon’s feet.
I grab a nonalcoholic mimosa, which is essentially orange juice and fizzy white grape juice, from the counter and a bottle of beer from the fridge and make my way over to them.
“Alex was so enamored with Robbie the second he popped out.” Violet’s eyes are wide, and she leans in. “I mean, babies are all kinda funky looking, though, right? At least at first. Robbie looked like an alien. His head was shaped like a damn cone, and he had these crazy puffy eyes. He looked like he’d been smoking all kinds of the green demon while he was waiting to ruin my damn vagina.” She pats her belly. “I’m hoping this one looks a little more like a regular human than a distant relative of E.T. when he comes down the chute.”
I expect Simon to look scandalized, but instead he throws his head back and laughs. “The first one always looks the strangest. After that they start coming out looking a little less squished up.” He leans in and drops his voice. “Lainey came out looking just perfect right from the start. We knew we weren’t going to have any more kids after Lainey, so Elaine asked the midwife to fix things up a little.” He makes a hand motion below his waist.
“Oh my God, Dad! Are you serious?” Lainey looks mortified.
In Simon’s defense, people have been handing him beers steadily for the past three hours, and I’m about to offer him one more.
Violet doesn’t seem bothered in the least by this discussion. “Did it work? Alex wants us to have a hockey lineup, thanks to that one.” Violet thumbs over her shoulder at Sunny, who is also Alex’s younger sister. “I told him three is my max, because after that point I think they just kind of slide right out on a sneeze, you know?”
Simon chuckles. “It was like we were newlyweds again.”
And that, right there, is far more information than I ever needed about my future father- and mother-in-law. “Anyone need a refill?” I ask, sounding a lot like a prepubescent teenager.
Simon and Violet startle a little, possibly at my squeaky voice. Violet takes the glass from me and drains it in two long gulps. “I’m so freaking thirsty all the time, but this kid is trying to use my bladder like it’s a trampoline.” Violet pats Simon on the shoulder and then gestures below her waist. To Simon’s credit, he keeps his eyes on her face. “Thanks for the reassurance that my lady bits won’t be permanently ruined, but if you could avoid sharing that story with Alex, that’d be great. I’d rather he not know I can have six kids and still be a size extra small.” Violet waddles off toward the main-floor bathroom.
“She’s a lot of fun, isn’t she?” Simon tips the bottle back and takes a swig.
“She certainly can be. Pretty much always says exactly what’s on her mind.” Kody bumps up against the gated barrier, but when Lainey tries to move him back to the center of the circle, he squawks his irritation and reaches for me.
“You want to hang out with me and your gramps, little man?” I take him from Lainey, lifting him high in the air before I bring him in for a raspberry on the tummy. He giggles loudly and flails. Another, less adorable sound comes out of the back end.
Lainey glances at the clock. “I should feed him soon, or he’s going to get fussy.”
“How about I give him a bottle, and you can have a real mimosa and enjoy your time with the girls instead?” I offer.
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.” I kiss her on the cheek, get her a mimosa, and warm up one of the bottles from the fridge so I can feed Kody. At first he used to balk when I’d try to give him a bottle, but now he’s used to it. Lainey being sick, while not great for her, has been helpful in getting Kody to take a bottle easily from me. I get comfy in one of the lounge chairs, and Kody settles right in, sucking loudly.