Total pages in book: 222
Estimated words: 213974 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1070(@200wpm)___ 856(@250wpm)___ 713(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 213974 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1070(@200wpm)___ 856(@250wpm)___ 713(@300wpm)
There was also Ezra.
A ragged breath left me, and I glanced at the windows along the ceiling. It had sounded like she’d been able to negotiate a deal with the kingdom of Terra, but had the Rot spread even farther? How was she handling the overwhelming stress of ruling Lasania—something she had never planned for and maybe didn’t even want?
I hadn’t thought of that when I’d told her to take the Crown.
Guilt settled on my shoulders, weighing me down and joining the worry as I fiddled with the necklace. The dread rose, too. The helplessness. My knuckles started to ache as my mind decided to revisit all the little things I’d done, the choices I’d made that’d seemed so insignificant as they happened but had all led up to this very moment once combined.
I should’ve confided in Ash the moment he brought me into the Shadowlands—told him what I had been trained for. If I had, I would’ve known then that he’d never been who I was supposed to kill. I could’ve changed so much.
I should’ve tried harder to get to Kolis. Even if I ended up not being able to kill him, I would’ve saved lives. Gods knew how many, but I could’ve saved Ector. He would still be alive. Aios wouldn’t have experienced death. Rhain would never have been captured and beaten to within an inch of his life.
I should’ve acknowledged my feelings for Ash sooner instead of being too afraid. I would’ve been happy more than sad—sad and angry. I could’ve lived more in the time I had with Ash. Loved more.
I should’ve been smarter when Ash came for me. If I’d been thinking, I would’ve known that attempting to distract Kolis would also be lethal to Ash. I could’ve aided him instead of being a hindrance.
I should’ve stayed focused when I freed myself instead of being distracted by the violence in the dark chambers. I would’ve made it farther. I could’ve escaped.
Should’ve. Could’ve. Would’ve.
There were so many. Too many to list as I stopped at the foot of the bed and looked at it. I swore I could still see the imprint of where Kolis had sat. That was ridiculous, days had passed.
But I could see it in my mind.
Could hear his voice.
Feel his arms.
I should’ve taken control of the situation. I’d been trained to seduce and use every weapon—including my body—to perform my duty and achieve my goal. If I had, I would’ve prevented myself from feeling like I’d done something wrong. As if I’d brought it on myself. Like I would never forget that he’d made it feel good. That if he hadn’t found release when he did, I would’ve found it no matter how badly I hadn’t wanted to. I could’ve convinced myself that it was just a part of doing what needed to be done. I felt the awareness in my chest, Sotoria’s presence, as I stood there, staring at the damn bed.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
I should’ve fought back harder. I was a fighter. A warrior. I would’ve been able to stop him if I had. I could’ve prevented Sotoria from having to experience anything like that again. I could’ve—
Spinning around, I raced behind the privacy screen and dropped to my knees at the toilet with a low whimper. I heaved, expelling what I’d consumed that day and then some, tears stinging my eyes, my throat burning. Clasping the sides of the seat, dry heaves racked my body, causing the sides of my stomach to spasm painfully. It felt like it would never stop.
I didn’t know how long I knelt there, panting as I willed my nausea to settle. Minutes? Hours? At some point, air drifted over my arms. My cheek. I cracked open a watery eye. Nothing was there. I listened for the sound of someone entering the chamber. There was nothing, but that coolness remained, reminding me of the soft press of a cool hand. Eventually, the tension leaked from my body, and the chilled air vanished, leaving me so damn tired. Closing my eyes, I counted the beats of my heart until I no longer felt like an overcooked noodle.
Pushing wearily to my feet, I went to the sink and used water from a pitcher to clean my teeth and wash my face.
Once done, I changed into a robe and felt sort of normal. My stomach still felt a little weird as I passed the bed, but I believed I was done with the vomiting. Hopefully.
I went to the divan, curling onto my side as I tucked my feet under the soft blanket at the foot of the low sofa.
I told myself that Ash was okay. So were Aios, Bele, and everyone else. Rhain would recover. Jadis was happily causing mayhem, and Reaver was hiding somewhere she couldn’t reach. Orphine hadn’t perished. Ezra was doing her best. She was smart. Strong. Resilient. She had Marisol. Even my mother wasn’t alone. I hadn’t been able to save Ector, but I would save others. I would save Ash. One way or another, I would make sure no one else occupied this cage. I would not be powerless again. Most importantly, I would not blame myself for what Kolis did.