Total pages in book: 121
Estimated words: 116999 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 585(@200wpm)___ 468(@250wpm)___ 390(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 116999 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 585(@200wpm)___ 468(@250wpm)___ 390(@300wpm)
“Grateful,” I repeat, smiling. “The thing everyone strives for.”
He lets go of my hand, looking confused as he sits back.
“Live, laugh, grateful,” I say. “All you need is gratitude. Make gratefulness not war.” Chuckling, I add, “Doesn’t have the same ring to it.”
“You’ve lost me. Are you angry with me here?”
“No,” I say, the word almost a sigh. “I’m not angry. I’m not sure I ever was.”
“Come on, Becs. Let’s not start lying to each other again so soon.”
The way he says it makes me chuckle, though I’m deadly serious. “I was devastated. If we’re not lying, then I still am devastated. At night when I look at your side of the bed. When I get home and there’s nobody to whinge at over my rubbish day. When you come back and I can’t kiss you…”
I see Will’s lips part, about to interrupt, but I keep going. “But not angry. I wish things were different. I accept they’re not.” Accept that I belong to you in a way you’ve never belonged to me. “I miss you, Will. That’s where I’m at.”
I pour myself more wine. William declines more tea. He appears deep in thought while I drink, his brow furrowed, eyes reading the notches on the wooden table. “Can I ask you something?” he says. “While we’re being good at this truthful stuff.”
“Sure.” I nod, inhaling deeply in preparation.
“You said you knew about me all along. What about Laurence? Did you know…the whole time?” I think he struggles to ask as much as I’m going to struggle to answer.
I’m not angry. I’m not. Yet hearing that name makes my stomach roll over. Is it because he got the part of Will I always wanted? Because Will hid things? Because I am?
“You changed,” I say, starting a conversation I suspect neither of us want, but I know we desperately need. It’s why we’re here. “After you took that job. It was subtle at first, but over time you became more distant. You said you were tired. Overworked. But…I get overworked, Will, and it makes me appreciate the time I get to spend with you and the kids even more.”
“Geez, Bec—”
“I said I’m not angry,” I interrupt, curling my fingers around his forearm on top of the table. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad, just explaining my side, but I can stop.”
He nods once. “No, go on.”
“I knew something wasn’t right but I either didn’t know what or purposely ignored it. To this day, I don’t know which. After all, an affair didn’t seem likely. I think we’re both aware that, despite my best efforts, and God knows I made the damn effort, Will, things have never been all that…exciting in the bedroom for you.” I giggle a little, from nerves probably. Regret. Sorrow. Then, for a moment we simply stare at each other. Smiling, almost crying.
“It was Gill’s husband that made me suspicious of Laurence, and you confirmed it yourself when we went to the cottage.”
“Adam?” He seems to ask the question more to himself, his eyes squinting as he tries to fit the pieces together. “I don’t understand. And the cottage?”
“Oh, I’d mentioned how different you were one time, but blew it off in a funny way, like you were getting swept away with all the big stars. But Adam said something, something flippant and totally not serious. Only, it was true.”
“What was it?”
“He said you’re finally off the lead, getting used to being a big boy.” A nervy laugh leaves my mouth. “And I know why he said it. I got the joke. We’d been married since we were kids. I’d had you under the thumb, blah blah. Only it’s true, Will. Isn’t it?”
“I…I don’t know what you’re saying.” Will sighs. He’s still doing it. Still pretending for me.
“Yeah, you do. When we first got together, you never made any decisions. It was almost like you couldn’t.”
“Don’t think I knew how,” he says, voice low, lost. “I’d never been allowed to. To be faced with a choice felt like…like conflict. Picking sides. Like there had to be a loser somewhere. And losing causes hurt. I’d had enough of that.”
“I know that now. I’ve known that for a long time. But when we were kids, I suppose I thought I was helping by making choices for you. You agreed to everything so easily. Always seemed happy, on the surface at least, and that became our way. A habit neither one of us thought to break. But when Adam made that joke, I realised I hadn’t helped you, Will. I’d trapped you. And now you were out there without me, facing choices, having options.”
“Rebecca, you’re not just a fucking option. Please…”
I have to ignore him, carry on, get it out before I break down. I might never continue otherwise. “Then at the cottage, the very second I heard Laurence was gay, well, it was like someone had lit a firework inside my head. I started remembering the Will I knew at school. The Will I saw checking out boys when he thought no one was looking. My best friend who couldn’t stop talking about this new ground-breaking show coming to Channel 4 while every other lad I knew counted the days until the next episode of Eurotrash just so they could get a glimpse of a pair of tits.”