Total pages in book: 121
Estimated words: 116999 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 585(@200wpm)___ 468(@250wpm)___ 390(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 116999 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 585(@200wpm)___ 468(@250wpm)___ 390(@300wpm)
I laugh at that, just a little. “All I know is that it’s different with him. To what I feel for Rebecca and my kids, I mean. In some ways, it’s just as strong, but…”
“But what?”
I shrug, sighing once again. “What if I’m just scared to be alone? What if I clung to Rebecca because she was the first person in my life to show me some affection, and what if I’m doing the same thing again now? What if it’s that affection I love? The closeness, you know? I keep wondering if I’m somehow fucked up from my childhood, and maybe my brain doesn’t even recognise love. Just, I don’t know, safety? Maybe it’s never been about any of them. Rebecca or Laurence—” I choke on the last word, realising what I’ve done.
Gemma’s eyes shoot open. She corrects them quickly. “Rick told me you were working with him,” is all she says. “I almost died at the time.”
“I didn’t mean…I mean I don’t exactly want to make this public knowledge.”
“I got it, Will,” she assures, clamping her hand on top of mine against the breakfast bar. “Now, are you ready to know what I think?”
“Hit me,” I say, knowing nothing could make me feel any worse, or any more confused.
“I think nobody could raise a kid as great as your Ben if they weren’t capable of love. I’ve got to know him a fair bit while he’s been working with Rick, and he’s a cracking young lad.”
My heart swells with pride. Deflates with regret.
“I also think it sounds like you need to spend some time by yourself while you figure things out. I’m sure Rick and I don’t know the ins and outs of your childhood, but it sounds like you skipped the whole self-discovery stage. Do it now, Will. Take some time out. Make things right with your family, your kids, and then focus on you for a while. You’re allowed to do that, you know. You’re allowed to be important.”
“And Laurence? Will he wait for me?”
It’s an impossible question with no satisfactory answer, yet my lungs kidnap my breath while I wait for her reply.
“I don’t know. But if he loves you, if you’re meant to be, you’ll find each other again.”
My lungs shrink, dragging my shoulders with them.
“But you need to find yourself first,” she continues. “And be happy with what you find. I think you’re struggling to identify your emotions because you’ve simply got too bloody many of them right now. You need to be alone with them. Feel them. Own them. Only when you’re content with how you feel about yourself can you be confident about your feelings for others.”
I nod slowly, processing Gemma’s words. Her advice pierces a barrier in my mind, her soothing voice drowning the taunting thoughts of guilt and shame. “What is it you do again?”
“My job?” she asks.
“Uh-huh.”
“I work at the café on Manchet Road. Only part time since Ruby was born.”
“You’re wasted there. Should’ve been a therapist.”
Gemma laughs. “I’m not nearly clever enough. Didn’t even get my GCSEs,” she says.
That surprises me.
My face must reveal it.
“Let’s just say you’re not the only one who had a shitty childhood.”
Oh. “Sorry,” I say.
Getting up, Gemma flicks the kettle back on to re-boil. “I went to therapy for mine. Maybe that’s where I get my wisdom from.” She winks as she says it. “You could do that, too. Try therapy. It helped me.”
“Yeah, no.” The thought literally makes me shudder. “I get it might be good for some, but…the idea of spilling my guts to a stranger. Nah. I’m good.”
“Are you?”
Okay. She got me. “Maybe I’ll think about it. I’ll put it on the list with all the other shit I’ve got to work through.”
Gemma smiles, chuckles a little. “Sounds good to me.” She opens the cupboard, reaches for a mug. “Coffee?”
“No, thanks. I’m off to look at some flats soon.”
“Do you want some company?”
Yes. But… “Thanks, but it’s time to start figuring stuff out on my own, right?”
She nods, smiling with approval. “Right.”
“And, uh, thanks, you know…for not judging. Not sure I deserve it, but it means a lot.” I know I don’t deserve it, in fact. Lying awake all night, all I could think was how I’m no better than my father, betraying my family the way I did. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to forgive myself…if I should even try.
She stops stirring the coffee in her mug, tilts her head and looks at me. “Because you’re gay? Will, I would never—”
“Because I cheated on Becs,” I interrupt.
Gemma sighs, gives a small smile. “If we closed ourselves off from everyone who ever made a bad decision, we’d be living in a very lonely world. We make mistakes, Will. Mistakes don’t make us.”
We. That’s what she said, and I remember what Rick told me about Gemma and his brother. She understands. And she’s okay now. Rick’s okay. Maybe…Becca and I will be too, in our own way.